Every year around the holidays I begin to see a change in my wife and son. It is almost as if they deliberately begin to try and sabotage the holidays. My son is my step son. I have been the main man in his life since he was three years old. When he has a need, I am the one who fills the need. His real dad is in his life and sees him every other weekend. I will not go into the issues I have with that relationship. This is not about that. This is about my wife and sons needs around the holidays. I am beginning to realize I need to try something different because my background is very different from my wife’s.
My wife is the product of divorce and she and my son’s dad were never married. She has to share him with the biological dad every Christmas for half a day. She spends so much time trying to make sure he does not feel the way she did when she grew up in a broken home she disregards me and my daughter it seems. I do not believe she knows she is doing it. She spends a lot of time trying to create a perfect atmosphere and does not realize that intensity is driving a wedge where she is trying to create her fantasy. My son feels this pressure and like all other young men wants to challenge or test the limits. He can sense me and his mom are on separate pages so I am the focus of his testing. Me being the man that I am, I have not always handled the situations in the Godliest of manners. I grew up in a home with my mother and father. Testing my mom or dad would never end up good for me or my siblings. He and my mom were always on the same page. My parents had their problems but they were together. I am beginning to realize that maybe I am taking things to personally and I need to step back and adjust my methods.
Figuring out a way to help my wife and my son is going to take a lot of effort on my part. I am going to have to have some emotional conversations that may not go well for me at first. We as men have to learn how to take a little heat to get to what is desired, a better relationship. I am going to have to sit down with my son and let him know I can see it bothers him to see me around on the holidays and not his biological dad. It may even bother him to know his sister has me and her mother together every holiday. I cannot continue to take these things personal. I know my son loves me. He is just unable to recognize what he is going through and communicate it in a positive way. His reactions I will take the blame for because until I started writing this blog, I didn’t realize I haven’t given him an opportunity to express himself freely without reacting to it. He loves his biological dad too. I am sure he wonders why he and his mom didn’t work out. Helping him realize, I am there for him as much as my daughter may be what he needs to hear from me. I am the main responsible male role model in his life. If he cannot learn this from me now, he may carry it into his future relationships. Tough conversations like this are surely out of most men comfort zone. How important is your family to you?
Helping my wife realize what she is doing may take a little more effort and months of therapy for both of us. I know it may sound funny, but there is a lot of seriousness to this statement. She constantly tries to tell me I do not understand what it is like to not have your mother and father in the same home. She gets angry with me as if having both my parents at home all my life was wrong. I can see her point but there is a lot lost in the delivery. I do not understand the divorce dynamic of the holidays other than what I have learned in the ten years I have been married. I do know that continuing to live your life the way you are use to even when it does not apply to your life anymore is not healthy. It is the definition of insanity. Why do we continue to do things the same way expecting different results? I have some serious conversations I have to sit down and have with my wife and my son in the near future. There are probably some of you out there that experience the same things I do. Try having a conversation and prepare yourself in advance for what you may or may not hear. Keep your eyes on the relationship you are trying to improve. It may not be resolved right away but it will be blessed. Make sure you pray for guidance so you do not make it about you again and mess it up more. Be ready to take a little heat. This article may not be for you but I am sure you know someone it applies to. Blended families are a big thing these days and growing up in a broken home is rough during Christmas. I Am Just Trying To Help.
Written By Napoleon for Elev8.com
